Does forgiving always mean forgetting?

How do you handle it when somebody hurts you?  Do you keep score when you have been hurt?  Do you hold a grudge or stockpile your hurts?  In 1 Corinthians 13:5 we are reminded that “Love…keeps no record of wrongs.”  When we keep a record of wrongs it’s like we are saving up ammunition so that when others hurt us, we have an arsenal we can use to hurt them back.  But according to the scripture, that is not what love does.  Instead, love forgives.

There are so many myths and misconceptions about forgiveness.  Some think that forgiveness is conditional.  People sometimes say things like, “I will forgive you if…” or “I will forgive you when…”  Real forgiveness is unconditional.  It’s not earned or deserved.  Genuine forgiveness cannot be bargained for, bartered for, or paid for.  Forgiveness is not even based on the promise that the person will never hurt you again.  Genuine forgiveness is unconditional.

Some worry that forgiveness minimizes the seriousness of my hurt.  This is another myth.  Forgiveness in no way implies that what happened was not a big deal.  It’s not saying that what happened didn’t hurt.  To forgive is not to diminish the hurt or the offense in any way. Others mistakenly assume that forgiveness means resuming a relationship without change.  Restoring relationship and forgiveness are two different things.  They are not the same.  You may forgive, but there could be circumstances where it is impossible or unwise to restore the relationship.

It should also be noted that forgiveness does not necessarily mean forgetting about what happened.  Maybe you have been afraid to forgive somebody who hurt you because you don’t want to forget what happened.  Maybe you don’t think you can forget about it.  You are probably right.  But there is something better than forgetting anyway and that is remembering but realizing that God is in control and He is still at work bringing good from the bad that happens to us (see Romans 8:28).  Just think back to the cross.  Do you think the disciples could have imagined anything good coming from the crucifixion of God’s Son?  Think about what they must have been feeling as they saw Jesus hanging there dying on the cross.  But God was at work.

You still remember what happened to you, but you can choose, with God’s help and by His grace, to let it go.  The key to forgiveness is not in forgetting.  It is in learning to see what happened through the lens of grace.

Next time we’ll discover what real forgiveness looks like.

 

God’s Grace

God’s Word tells us that we have all sinned.  In Romans 3:23 we read, “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”  That means we have violated the basic principle of putting our own will ahead of the will of God.  We have willfully transgressed God’s known law.  That’s why people are lost.  The Bible goes on to tell us that “the wages of our sin is death” (Romans 6:23).  That’s why I am so glad for grace!

We sing a few songs about grace but we probably don’t hear enough preaching about it and we certainly could stand to see more real life examples of grace.  There are over 131 references to the word “Grace” in the New Testament.  Consider Titus 2:11 which tells us that “The grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men.”  That’s great news!  Verse 12 goes on to say that grace “teaches us to say ‘No’ to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self‑controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age.”  Do you ever say “No” to ungodliness?   How about worldly passions?

Paul tells us that this same grace that brings us salvation, trains us and teaches us and guides us to live holy and Godly lives.  All of God’s disciplinary processes are grounded in His grace.  We tend to equate discipline with rules and performance standards.  God equates it with firm and loving care for your soul and mine,  But we are performance oriented.  Too often as parents, our acceptance of a child is based on their performance.  Good grades, making the team, winning the game, getting the job, etc.  We need to accept them like God accepts us, just as we are.

Just as I am, without one plea but that Thy blood was shed for me,

And that Thou bid’st me come to Thee, O Lamb of God, I come!  I come!

– Charlotte Elliott

God accepts me just as I am, right where I am.  But He loves me too much to leave me there.  I’m glad for God’s amazing grace!

 

It is tough to fight by yourself. You don’t have to fuel their feud.

Anger is contagious.  Angry people create more angry people.  In Proverbs 22:24-25 we are told “Don’t hang out with angry people; don’t keep company with hotheads. Bad temper is contagious— don’t get infected.” (The Message)  But what do you do if the angry person is somebody in your family?  What if it’s your husband or wife?  How do you deal with that?  The Bible provides the answer in Proverbs 15:1.  ^“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

It is tough to fight by yourself.  Some people will try, but you don’t have to fuel their feud.

Give them a gentle answer.  Don’t let things escalate.  But you need to understand that a gentle answer is not a sarcastic answer.  Gentle sarcasm is not helpful.  A gentle answer may be softly spoken, but it is also given in humility.  A gentle answer means I’m thinking about the other person in this moment.  I’m taking a step back to consider what that other person might need.  In dealing with anger, there is an important phrase that most of us need to say more often – “I could be wrong.”  Be willing to humble yourself.  Be willing to offer a gentle answer.

Another way to overcome anger is by learning to release your worries to God.  Worry and anxiety often take us down a road that leads us straight into anger.  Anger and anxiety are closely connected.  Psalm 37:8 says, “Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret–it leads only to evil.”  Worry and anxiety often come out in angry words.

It might help you to understand what is behind the anger you feel.  The next time you’re filled with anger, ask yourself, “What am I worried about?  What am I anxious about?”  It is also good to ask this about the person who is angry with you.  What are they so worried about?  What are they anxious about?  What’s going on in their life that has brought them to this angry place?

It is wise to admit that my anger is not someone else’s responsibility.  Your anger is your responsibility.  Instead of blaming others, you need to take responsibility for your anger.  If you don’t take responsibility for your anger, then the alternative is choosing to live with it the rest of your life.  Is that really what you want?  Take responsibility for your anger and release your worries to God.

Next time we’ll consider two more ways to overcome anger and experience victory in this important part of life.

Choose to look for the roses among the thorns.

Have you noticed how easy it is to become angry when you are tired or hungry?  Sometimes the best prescription for overcoming anger is a nap and a snack.  One of the reasons why people are often so angry is they are just too busy.  People are running themselves in the ground.  The busyness of life, the hectic pace that we keep is what’s creating so much of this anxiety and stress that leads to so much anger.

Breaking the pattern of anger in your life may require getting some rest.  You may need to take some time off.  Take a break.  Acknowledge that you are tired.  A quick temper may be a warning light that is trying to tell you that something has to change in the way of your pace.  You may have to slow down or stop altogether.

The most important way to increase your patience and avoid being so quick to anger is to change your expectations.  Anger often comes from unmet expectations.  Proverbs 4:23 says it like this; “Be careful what you think, because your thoughts run your life.” (NCV)  Have you ever thought about that?  Your thinking will eventually run your life.  Your thinking can actually ruin your life.

We all have expectations of what’s going to happen in life.  When those expectations don’t match reality, we often respond in anger.  This reality is probably the most evident on the highway.  When other drivers don’t drive like you expect them to drive, you become angry.  Your expectations were unmet.  Think about how this plays out in your life.  Anger typically comes when our expectations don’t match reality.

What if you were to try to manage your expectations?  Things won’t always go your way or meet your expectations.  Irritating people are still going to be irritating people.  But that doesn’t mean your day or your life is ruined.  Thomas à Kempis once said, “Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be.”  Guard your expectations.

Some people get angry because God put thorns among the roses.  Others choose to praise Him for putting roses among the thorns.  What’s it going to be for you?  Look for the roses among the thorns.  With God’s help, you can break the pattern of anger.  Surround yourself with people who encourage patience rather than anger.  Release your worries to God.  Be aware of the need to slow down and get some rest.  And be careful to manage your expectations.

 

Are you guilty of stockpiling stupidity?

Last time we started to think through ways to break the patterns of anger that sometimes creep into our lives and remain there until we proactively decide to do something about it.  If you have anger issues, chances are good that you have already found that they typically do not resolve themselves.  A modern paraphrase of Proverbs 14:29 reads like this; “Slowness to anger makes for deep understanding; a quick-tempered person stockpiles stupidity.”  Have you ever seen somebody acting really stupid because they were angry?  Perhaps they decided to punch something, throw something or do something really foolish to express their anger.  They were stockpiling stupidity.  That is what a quick-tempered person does.

Anger is such a dangerous emotion.  It is so volatile.  It can shorten your life expectancy.  It damages relationships and it typically hurting the people that we love the most.  Why wouldn’t you want to get a handle on such a potentially destructive force?

Ephesians 4 speaks to breaking the pattern of anger.  The Apostle Paul said, “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. (vs. 26-27)  Taking responsibility for your anger is a matter of self-control.  You have a choice to make.  You can choose to break the pattern of anger in your life or you can choose to let it continue.  It is up to you.

One tangible thing you can do to break the pattern of anger is learn to walk away and cool off before having potentially volatile conversations.  If you speak when you’re angry, chances are pretty good that you’ll deliver the best speech you’ll ever regret.  If you decide not to let the sun go down while you are angry, that means cooling off first, but still having the talk sometime soon.  Otherwise, the temptation is to put it off indefinitely.  If the issue was big enough to generate such emotion, it is big enough that it needs to be addressed as soon as possible, but away from the emotion of the moment.

Certain personalities may get away from the heat of the moment and then decide it is not worth stirring things up again by resurrecting the conversation.  You may be tempted to avoid the confrontation completely.  You subconsciously sweep it under the rug, but it is an unresolved issue that in all likelihood will come up later.  Back off long enough to cool down, but then talk about it before the end of the day.

 

The church is God’s idea and it is still a good one!

In so many circles these days, people seem to be on a mission to trash the church.  Bloggers of all shapes and sizes continue to bash the church and imply that more and more people disassociate themselves from the established church.  You’ll hear people say things like, “I’m a Christian, but I’m against organized religion.”  “I have a relationship with Jesus, but I’m not a part of the institutional church.”  Or they’ll say “we’re not called to go to church, but to be the church.”

People who say these things often imply that the term “church” refers to a universal, invisible body of believers, not a local church with buildings, budgets and bureaucracy.  The New Testament makes it clear that when Jesus said “I will build my church” He intended a visible body of believers with structure and definition.

In Hebrews 10:25 believers were told to “not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another–and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”  The church is to be a real place where people worship, pray, give, serve and fellowship together.

The New Testament church was visible enough that when one member suffered they all suffered together.  When one strayed he/she was held accountable.  The church was so high-profile that some in the world despised and persecuted it.  The church is not just a few Christians hanging out in a coffee shop talking about Jesus.  The church was and is at the very center of the purpose of God, to reach and redeem a lost world.

The Bible knows nothing of an unchurched or disconnected Christian.  Acts 2:41 says God automatically added people to the church when they were saved.  1 Peter 2:5-6 compares the church to a building established on a firm foundation.  We all know what will happen to a building that is separated from the foundation…it will collapse.

Ephesians 5:23 tells us that “Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.”  The head and the body are inseparable.  Christ is the Head and the Church is the body of Christ.  We’re to be his hands and feet to do good works on earth.

Jesus Christ loves the church!  Shouldn’t we follow His example in everything including loving the church that He loves?  He sees the church not only for what it is, but for what we can become.  He sees our potential.

Jesus loves the church and if we love him we will love his Bride even though she’s got a few stains and wrinkles.  If the church were perfect, none of us would be allowed to attend.  Consider Simon Peter.  He was such a flawed man, but Jesus loved him and entrusted him with a vital role in the first church.  Peter boasted that he would die for Jesus and then denied that he even knew him.  He walked on water then nearly drowned because he took his eyes off Jesus.  He claimed Jesus was the Messiah then minutes later challenged Jesus’ statement that he was going to be crucified.  But Jesus told Peter he was giving him the keys to the kingdom.   God still used him.

I know church people aren’t perfect.  We are far from it.  But one of the reasons I love the church is the fact that there are so many wonderful people there.  My best friends in the world are in the church.  I know that not everyone is at church for the right reason.  Not everyone is a true Christ follower (yet).  But for the most part, I think the church is made up of imperfect people who truly want to grow to be more like Jesus.

Imagine you are on the road traveling with your family late at night and you run out of gas in an unfamiliar place.  As the car is coming to a complete stop, you notice three large men coming in your direction.  You can tell each of them is carrying something in his hand.  Would you feel better if they were carrying a Bible or a beer?  Would you feel better if they had just come out of a church or a bar?  Even though there are no guarantees, if they are coming from the church or if they are carrying a Bible, I think most people would breathe a sigh of relief and ask for help.  The odds are in your favor.  There really are a lot of wonderful people in the church.

I suppose everyone who has been to church for any length of time has “a story”.  It might be a story of inconsistency, hypocrisy or sin.  In all honesty, their stories probably would not sound all that much different from your own.  Many are disappointing.  But many are stories of incredible compassion, love, mercy and grace.  I choose to focus on the positives and all of the possibilities wrapped up in the local expression of the Body of Christ.  The church is God’s idea and it is a good one!

Resenting God’s goodness to others while ignoring God’s goodness to me.

In 1 Corinthians 13:4 we are told that love does not envy.  So, what is envy anyway?  Envy is resenting God’s goodness to others while ignoring God’s goodness to me.  It can actually destroy your capacity to enjoy life.  James 3:16 tells us that envy is behind most other sins.  Envy can lead to adultery, bitterness, complaining, dishonesty, exaggeration, fear, gossip, hypocrisy, insecurity, manipulation, rudeness, sarcasm and the list could go on and on.  Proverbs 14 says that envy is like bone cancer in that it can “rot the bones”.  Envy will make a person miserable.  Envy is an incredibly destructive force.

We can learn how to deal with envy from the parable of the vineyard workers, taught by Jesus, in Matthew 20.  A farmer set out to hire day workers to come to work in his vineyard.  He went down to the local staffing agency early one morning to find some help.  He hired some people to begin work the first thing that day.  It was about 6:00 a.m.  He agreed to pay the workers a denarius, which would have been the average wage someone would expect for a full day’s work.

The farmer went back to the labor pool and did the same thing around 9:00 a.m.  The thing that was different this time was that he told them, “I will pay you whatever is right”, rather than making a specific offer.  He did the same thing at noon, again at 3:00 p.m. and one last time at 5:00 p.m.  To all of the other workers, with the exception of the first group, he basically says, “I’ll pay you what’s fair” and they don’t even discuss or agree upon a specific wage.  They are trusting that he will be fair.

When quitting time comes, around 6:00 p.m., the land owner paid everyone in reverse.  The guys who were hired last got paid first.  He gave them all a denarius for one hour of work.  The guys who started out at 6:00 a.m. are thinking they will surely get more since they worked longer, they worker through the heat of the day and they undoubtedly did the most work.  But the land owner ends up paying everyone the same amount which upset the early hires.  They felt they deserved more, but they got what they were promised.  The early workers were extremely envious of those who were hired after them.  Over the next few weeks we’ll see what we can learn from this story about how to deal with envy.

What is LOVE?

One of these days we’re all going to stand and give an account of our lives before God.  You might be interested to know that He’s not going to look at your bank account or a list of your accomplishments.  He won’t be concerned with your grades.  He won’t ask to see your trophies.  He’s not going to look over your friend list or ask for a copy of your resume.  The thing that matters to God is love.  Did you love God and did you love others?  That’s what Jesus taught in The Great Commandment (see Matthew 22:36-40).  Nothing else will matter in the end.  The big question at the end of life will be “how well did you love?”

The Bible is very clear that love is to be the primary objective of your life.  Love is the supreme value and the greatest power in life.  People talk about love letters, love songs and love stories, but nobody ever stops to define what love is.  Most people don’t even know what real, mature, godly, Christ-like love looks like.

What is love anyway?  In 2 John 1:6 we see that love is a clear command.  God commands that we walk in love and that we love one another.  Therefore, love is not optional and we can all be thankful that God would never command us to do something that He doesn’t give us the power and the ability to do.

We know that love is a choice.  We choose to love, and we choose to not love.  The decision to love or not love is a decision that we must all make for ourselves.  We are not helpless.  We are in control.  I get to choose who I love, when I love, and how I love.  I can even choose to keep on loving even if I am not loved in return.  In fact, choosing to love when you don’t feel like it, or when it is not reciprocated, is actually one of the highest forms of love and it is reminiscent of the love God has shown to you and me.

Love is an action word.  It is a verb.  It’s a way of acting.  Love is not something you say or something you feel.  Love is something you do.  Love is a commitment that all of us can make.  We need God’s help to do it right.  Let’s ask Him to teach us to love like He loves.

What matters most in life?

If someone were to sit down with you and ask, “What matters most in life”, how would you respond?  I suppose some would begin to list their personal accomplishments.  Others might point to how much money and material possessions they have been able to accumulate.  But in Galatians 5:6 the Apostle Paul said, “If you are a follower of Christ Jesus…all that matters is your faith that makes you love others.”

Christ followers have been called to live a life of love.  You don’t have to buy into that idea.  You have a choice in the matter.  But before you opt out, there are some things you should know.  According to 1 Corinthians 13, if you don’t live a life of love, nothing you say will matter.  Without love, our words are just noise.  Words without love are empty and meaningless.  We love eloquence.  We love charisma, but God is not impressed by our presentation. He is not wowed by the words that we speak.

Without love, all of our knowledge is worthless.  You may be smarter than all your peers.  Perhaps you have knowledge that surpasses everyone in the areas of science, math, literature and history.  But if you don’t have love, according to 1 Corinthians 13:2, then all you know is worthless.  Brilliance without love equals nothing in God’s economy.

Think about it.  We live in a world where knowledge is exploding.  Until 1900 human knowledge doubled approximately every century.  By the end of World War II knowledge was doubling every 25 years.  Today, on average, human knowledge is doubling every 13 months.  IBM projects that very soon the world’s information base will be doubling in size every 11 hours.  We are smarter than we’ve ever been.  We have more knowledge than any generation before us.  Do you know what is so sad about that?  We still face the same old problems we have always had – war, terrorism, poverty, crime, abuse, prejudice, hatred, violence, etc.  What the world needs now is not more knowledge.  It needs more love.

Read just the first three verses of 1 Corinthians 13.  I may speak with absolute eloquence, possess knowledge above all others, have faith to move mountains and be the most generous person to have ever lived.  I may rack up an incredible list of personal achievements, but if I don’t have love in my heart, it is all worth nothing.  I am bankrupt without love…the thing that matters most to God.

A new word to add to the American vocabulary – Deflategate.

Is there anyone in America who has not already heard about Deflategate?  The fact is, you can turn on the news almost every day and see the stories of the lack of integrity in American culture.  This time, it is big news again in the NFL.  Unfortunately, it seems that integrity is rapidly becoming a forgotten virtue.  We see leaders living a double life; corrupt politicians who say one thing a do another; cheating athletes who will do anything to win; even religious leaders who turn their back on the ethics and values that they preach and teach.

It’s not just high-profile people who are guilty.  It could be your closest friend, someone who you thought you knew.  You loved them, believed in them and trusted them, only to find out that there were secrets, that when revealed, exposed an incredible lack of integrity in their life.  Those personal stories won’t make the headlines, but the hurt and disappointment they cause is just as real.

It seems we have come to the place that when there is a high level breach of integrity, no one seems to be surprised anymore.  It is almost expected.  No one is shocked on the news that the New England Patriots would cheat.  And this has absolutely nothing to do with the Indianapolis Colts.  They were beaten and beaten badly.  As a Colts fan, it was painful to watch.  This is not about crying foul because of defeat.  Cheating in the NFL is an embarrassment on the entire league.  What a shame it is that we live in a world where people are more shocked by integrity than they are by a lack of integrity.  People seem to be more surprised by someone who does the right thing than they are by someone who does the wrong thing.  Oh, how far we have come.

It is clear to me that there is an integrity crisis in our world today.  Integrity has been defined as adherence to moral and ethical principles;  soundness of moral character; honesty.  In its simplest and most practical form, integrity is when my behavior matches my beliefs.  Living an “integrated” lifestyle means what you believe and what you say are in complete alignment with what you do.  That is integrity!  It’s when your private life matches your public life.  Someone said, “Integrity is what you do when no one else is looking.”  Integrity is different from your reputation.  Your reputation is who other people think you are.  Integrity is about who you really are…good, bad or ugly.

Psalm 15 really captures what it means to live a life of integrity.  It is about living a blameless life.  It is about doing what is right, speaking the truth from your heart, being honest.  Integrity shows up in your actions and your words.  It impacts how you interact with people and how you relate to God.  A man or woman of integrity will keep his oath even when it hurts.

When all is said and done, the real loser Sunday was not the Colts.  It was the New England Patriots.  They lost something far more important than the AFC Championship game.  I look forward to the day we get back to preserving integrity at all costs, not only in the National Football League, but in the United States of America.